T is for The Answer

This is the twelfth and final installment in a series covering the issue nearest to my heart.  I want to share how I came to the passion that I spend much of my time and resources on.  Since this story is mine and mine alone to tell, there will be portions that are vague and I apologize in advance.  The road to healing is a personal one and it's not my place to tell the story for someone who may not be ready to have their part of it told.  Some material may be triggering.  Please read at your own discretion.

To read from the beginning, go here.

And here we are at "the end." I'm not perfect.  I'm not "all better."  But I am healed, in the sense of having found healing.  I am managing mental illness quite well and by all diagnostic standards, I wouldn't even qualify as being mentally ill.  I still have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but not in an acute or clinical sense.  I'm free.  I've actually been described by two psychologists now as "an outlier."  They've explained to me that 97% of people who have had all of the things happen to me occur, develop a chronic and debilitating illness.  Many times drug or alcohol addiction.  Sometimes just the inability to connect.  To live independently.  To parent.  To have a productive, somewhat "normal" life.  To heal.  To help others.  I'm pretty proud of that.  I'm actually INSANELY proud of that.  I'm a mother to two amazing children, one of whom has special needs.  It's a frustrating and heart wrenching thing that I've often wondered how I've been able to cope so well and not let the hardships of special needs parenting consume me and set me back.  I then realize I have't given myself even as much credit as the psychologists.  I'm pretty amazing.  If you look in the mirror, you'll see you're pretty amazing, too.

There's no magic pill.  There's no band-aid.  There's no quick fix.  If someone else has found one for their own issues, then I'm surprised albeit happy for them.  That was not the case for me or any that I have known struggling with the aftermath of sexual abuse or with mental illness.  But that doesn't mean there isn't hope.  Doesn't mean that pills can't help or that there isn't a fix at all.  There is, it just takes patience and hard work. Sometimes the first therapist or first method doesn't work.  Sometimes the third or fourth method doesn't work.  Sometimes what worked before stops working. Sometimes you need to try another something else.  But most of all, you can't quit.  You can't give up and expect to be okay.  You keep fighting.  You find beauty in life, however small.  

I don't know if I could ever adequately say how much I appreciate you all reading my words and giving yours of support and encouragement.  It elates me to know that I have helped people, touched people, made people feel something.  I thank each and every one of you for that.  I can only hope that throughout your future days something I've said will stick with you. That would truly be an honor.  So.. "thank you."

Finding beauty in every day life isn't easy.  I don't always succeed.  I have good days and bad days.  But one thing that always seems to help me is a special song.  My older brother went through a phase like many young men in the 80's where he rocked a mullet and loved hair bands.  I still love hair bands.  And after a hiatus from one of those bands, a man went solo and recorded this song.  It brings me comfort, not only in it's words, but remembering awesome times with my brother.  He who shaped my world like no other person could have.  The first one who taught me to search for beauty in life.

Lyrics are as follows:

The lightning flashed as angels rode fiery chargers through the clouds.

That answer scared me into tears and all the grown ups laughed out loud.

Now the years roll on, tired voices have all gone, now they ride their thunder through the heavens.

There's a world in every drop of rain.

Embracing oceans will sweep us home again. 

Come along with me, come along with me, seek the truth you shall not find another lie.

They say for every living thing there's a guide up in the sky

That helps you pass from world to world so you never really die.

Then with scythe and cloak Death comes waltzing to your side

And as the visions pass you ask if there was meaning to your life

And as you strain to hear the answer, spirits sing and devils fiddle 

As he bends to whisper in your ear, he leaves you one more riddle.

Oh, the answers lie beyond the pain

All the questions in our minds, we surely ask in vain

Come along with me, come along with me, seek the truth and you will find another life.

Now my life is like a storm growing stronger every day.

Like the unrelenting wind that comes to blow our lives away

So I live each day like I know that it's my last 

If there is no future there must be no past.

And now I know the answers never meant a thing

And with each instant that I breathe, I feel the joy that life can bring

Come along with me, come along with me, seek the truth, you shall not find another lie.

Come along with me, come along with me, seek the truth and you will find another life.

There is a reason I started this series with the letter I and ended with the letter T.  It because when you take everything in entirety, that's IT.  This is IT.  This is me.  I probably didn't do the alphabet blog challenge like I was supposed to, but I guess you can see from our little journey together that I don't do most things like I'm supposed to.  I kinda like me that way.  It's the person I'm meant to be.  It's the life I was meant to have.  It's IT.

The world can be a beautiful place once you find the life that you were meant to have.  For some that means their eternal life, some it means their chosen profession, and for some it's freedom from the weight of mental illness or anything else that may plague your soul.  My only wish for you all is that you find your "another life."

Much loves.