This is the eleventh installment in a series covering the issue nearest to my heart. I want to share how I came to the passion that I spend much of my time and resources on. Since this story is mine and mine alone to tell, there will be portions that are vague and I apologize in advance. The road to healing is a personal one and it's not my place to tell the story for someone who may not be ready to have their part of it told. Some material may be triggering. Please read at your own discretion.
To read from the beginning, go here.
"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star" ~ Friedrich Nietzche
Sometimes. Sometimes I'm not okay. And it's taken me a long time to understand that it's okay to NOT be okay. That really goes for everyone in the world; not just people who have had traumatic experiences. No one is perfect. No one has it together all the time. Anyone who says they do is a liar. Anyone who looks like they do is a really great actor.
I used to get really upset with myself on my down days. I'd go for really long times without any anxiety and then all of a sudden, I'd have a bad day. I'd tell myself that I was stupid. This was stupid. I would defeat myself with my negative self talk. Telling myself that having this bad day made my years of progression worth nothing. That's what I think I hate most of all. The way that I treated myself during my bad days.
I fought so hard and so long. Fought against myself. When I started flying my Rape Flag, I fought against society. Too much so. I take myself less seriously now. I'm kinda tired of fighting. I think it's best summed up by one of my favorite movie clips of all time:
And sometimes. Sometimes there really just aren't enough rocks. You can try fight and scratch and bite and punch forever. But you'll run out of gas if you go a hundred miles an hour, a hundred percent of the time. You'll run out of rocks.
I'm not by any means saying that anyone should ever give up on fighting against wrongs in our world. Fighting towards mental health, healing, sobriety, any of those. But sometimes, when you take an honest look at yourself and the battles that you are choosing to wage, sometimes those battles have more to do with anger and rage and negative things than they do with positive.
You need to learn to pick and choose your battles with everything in life. And in my opinion, the aftermath of sexual abuse is no different. If I were to continue to throw rocks at my life and spew hatred towards everything, I would eventually run out of rocks and then where would I be? I'd have nothing left. So I choose to focus on the positive. I choose to fight the good fights. I've chosen to do this series. I'm not bitter or angry anymore. I don't need any more rocks.
But sometimes....sometimes I just stumble upon one to throw. I don't go looking for them; they don't live inside me. But sometimes...I find one on my path. And that's okay, too. I would never want to completely give up the chaos in my mind. It's who I am. Learning how to manage it has been pivotal to me. Learning how to calm down and step off my big rape high horse has been essential. Learning that there are lines and gray areas and not everything is in black and white has helped my journey immensely.
Sometimes you have to live in the gray.
Sometimes you have to embrace the chaos.
Sometimes you have to realize that you are exactly where you need to be; flaws and all.
Sometimes that's easy, sometimes it's not.
But sometimes, you need to really sit back and marvel at the creation that is You. You're still here, still alive, still fighting...learning to fight the right things.
And sometimes you'll fail. Sometimes I will, too.
But we'll be alright.
To be continued, one more time....
To read from the beginning, go here.
"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star" ~ Friedrich Nietzche
Sometimes. Sometimes I'm not okay. And it's taken me a long time to understand that it's okay to NOT be okay. That really goes for everyone in the world; not just people who have had traumatic experiences. No one is perfect. No one has it together all the time. Anyone who says they do is a liar. Anyone who looks like they do is a really great actor.
I used to get really upset with myself on my down days. I'd go for really long times without any anxiety and then all of a sudden, I'd have a bad day. I'd tell myself that I was stupid. This was stupid. I would defeat myself with my negative self talk. Telling myself that having this bad day made my years of progression worth nothing. That's what I think I hate most of all. The way that I treated myself during my bad days.
I fought so hard and so long. Fought against myself. When I started flying my Rape Flag, I fought against society. Too much so. I take myself less seriously now. I'm kinda tired of fighting. I think it's best summed up by one of my favorite movie clips of all time:
And sometimes. Sometimes there really just aren't enough rocks. You can try fight and scratch and bite and punch forever. But you'll run out of gas if you go a hundred miles an hour, a hundred percent of the time. You'll run out of rocks.
I'm not by any means saying that anyone should ever give up on fighting against wrongs in our world. Fighting towards mental health, healing, sobriety, any of those. But sometimes, when you take an honest look at yourself and the battles that you are choosing to wage, sometimes those battles have more to do with anger and rage and negative things than they do with positive.
You need to learn to pick and choose your battles with everything in life. And in my opinion, the aftermath of sexual abuse is no different. If I were to continue to throw rocks at my life and spew hatred towards everything, I would eventually run out of rocks and then where would I be? I'd have nothing left. So I choose to focus on the positive. I choose to fight the good fights. I've chosen to do this series. I'm not bitter or angry anymore. I don't need any more rocks.
But sometimes....sometimes I just stumble upon one to throw. I don't go looking for them; they don't live inside me. But sometimes...I find one on my path. And that's okay, too. I would never want to completely give up the chaos in my mind. It's who I am. Learning how to manage it has been pivotal to me. Learning how to calm down and step off my big rape high horse has been essential. Learning that there are lines and gray areas and not everything is in black and white has helped my journey immensely.
Sometimes you have to live in the gray.
Sometimes you have to embrace the chaos.
Sometimes you have to realize that you are exactly where you need to be; flaws and all.
Sometimes that's easy, sometimes it's not.
But sometimes, you need to really sit back and marvel at the creation that is You. You're still here, still alive, still fighting...learning to fight the right things.
And sometimes you'll fail. Sometimes I will, too.
But we'll be alright.
To be continued, one more time....
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